There comes a time when you have to stop blaming your parents – they owe you nothing. They have already given you everything. They have given you life itself!
Your parents did the best they could, given what they knew at the time.
When you stop blaming and take responsibility for how you feel, you are taking charge of your own life.
They gave you birth, you have life... What more do you want? They owe you nothing. Your parents don't owe you any apologies or money. When you grasp this you will be free of yourself and you will not be dependent on them for your happiness.
You have the freedom to create your own life and choose the life you have, rather than being at the mercy of your past.
For every moment you hold on to the pain, blame, and anger from your past you are not living your current life. The past is over and done with. Nothing you do or say now will change what happened. It is done.
Many of us refuse to let go and continue to hold on to the past because we feel dignified in doing so. We constantly blame them for not giving us what we felt we deserved. They weren't there for us the way we wanted them to be there. They abused us, beat us up, they left us, molested us, never paid attention to us and on and on...
You are right, what they did was not right! If you want to be free, be happy, do you think holding on to the past will change this?
When you hold on to the resentment, you keep yourself stuck from moving forward as if you are in a prison of victimhood. I agree you are not responsible for what happened to you as a child. It's happened. You were young then and it's over.
In this moment in time you are responsible for what is happening and your choices in life.
You and only you are responsible for if you are holding on to the anger and pain, or if you let it go. You cannot change the way your parents or anyone else thinks, however you can take control of how you think. The only power you have is over yourself, no one else!
If you try to change your parents or make them apologize or give you what it is you want, you will only create more suffering and pain for yourself. You cannot try to prove how they were wrong and you were right. Just accept what they were, are and are not.
Then you bring yourself into the present and decide how to shift your way of relating to them. Perhaps it will mean you choose not to see them because it does not honor who you are. Or perhaps you choose to continue engaging in the relationship, but simply allow it to be what it is and expect nothing more than they are capable of.
They are doing the best they can with the resources they have.
If you think that forgiving them is condoning what they did or didn’t do, then you are missing the point – you are actually forgiving and freeing yourself. If you are holding onto anger or resentment towards your parents in any way, you are killing yourself.
Over the years I have worked with clients that have been raped, abused, mistreated and abandoned by their parents. Yet, they didn’t allow that to determine the rest of their lives. You cannot change the past. It is what you choose to do in the present that will determine your future. It takes great courage to take responsibility. Then you no longer have any excuses as to why life isn’t working or why you may not be succeeding.
Your freedom lies in taking responsibility. Then you are truly born. Some simple keys to remember regarding your parents:
- Accept who they are and who they are not: Stop fighting reality. They are what they are.
- Realize that they are also souls on the journey of life: They are doing the best they can. They, like us, are imperfect human beings, learning lessons of karma in the school called life.
- Take responsibility: Take your power back. Deal with your unresolved feelings. Focusing on your parents distracts you from facing yourself. Let it go.
- Forgive them and yourself: Set them free and in doing so you set yourself free. Holding on only causes you suffering.
- Bless them for the gifts they did give you: Send them love and compassion. What you give to another, you give to yourself.